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Need A Blue Tuba Player?
Posted On 2009-08-27 , 5:46 PM
This is Lynn reporting semi live from….what am I saying! I’ve been around that guy too long.  The following report was pulled from the ashes….you’ll see.
Ace Essay here reporting semi live from some club (can’t tell you) in St. Louis, a little poorer and a hand that is bruised but none the less ready to complete my undercover blues. With me is my groupie Lynn, actually she’s out front in the audience sitting at a table eating something spicy and drinking an adult beverage.
I’m wearing an undercover wire so as not to give myself away while I meander backstage mingling with the blue musicians, or is that the blues’ musician? I have to say you can feel the excitement in the air as these guys hang out waiting to get ready to perform. Oh someone is approaching looks like he wants to speak to me.
“You harmonica man”
“Me? Oh Yeah me, I am the harmonica man. What’s shaken man?
“What? You play the harmonica right?”
“Sure do”
“Great we need you to sit in for Jerome”
“Sure where do you want me to sit, over there?”
“Funny. We’re on in 5”
“Oh.. Oh! Wait a minute I can’t..Ah I don’t what you’re playing”
“Funny yeah your funny just jump in man it’s all the same...come on lets get ready”
Psst folks… Ace here I’m heading onto the stage, not sure what’s going to happen but it’s kind of cool up here.
Music playing….
“Hey harmonica man jump in”
“Ok in 3, 2, 1 and”…..squawk…squawk…squawk
Music playing…….suddenly stopping…..silence except for the squawking of the harmonica
People booing, a bottle crashes on stage, then a chair…then Ace flying through the air off the stage onto a table. Wrong table! As drinks and crawdads spill on a very big guy, who then lunges for Ace but misses.
Ace running towards the door but crashes into a waiter carrying a flaming cherries jubilee! Said jubilee flies across the room into the bar……whoosh…end of tape.
Lynn here and just for the record it was a very mild adult drink. As for Ace well the man can run, so standing in this is Lynn saying until next time.
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Hard to say no when you're looking up!
Posted On 2009-08-24 , 3:36 PM
Ace Essay here reporting semi live from St. Louis, Mo. I know it has been quite awhile since you last heard from me (and  I’m sure you missed me greatly) but all I’m going to say is never and I mean never go into the swamp with two banjo players.
I’m here with my staff (ouch) I mean my associate Lynn (as usual she shows no respect) and I’m going under cover to investigate “The Blues”.
What are the blues you ask? Depression, anxiety, lonliness, (ouch..What? Oh! Sure. Ok) I have been reminded that these blues are not those blues that these blues don’t make you blue you actually feel the blue that makes you happy in a blue sort of way.
Folks this is Lynn. What Ace is trying to say is that “The Blues” is music. See Ace how easy that was?
Whatever, I am here dressed as a blues musician, baggy gray pants, scuffed brown wingtips, blue denim half unbuttoned shirt, a gray beret and holding a harmonica. I haven't shaved for three days to give me that down and lived in look. I hope you folks appreciate all the hardships I go through, I mean have you ever worn a gray beret?
My plan is a simple one. (Yes Lynn I know all my plans are simple. That's what makes them so great.) Anyway I will enter one of the clubs poising as a musician (ah no Lynn I can't play the harmonica) I will be able to get close to the other musicians and find out what makes their blues, blue. But first I need to go to “The Arch”
“The Arch” is that big white horseshoe thing that sits by the river. Here we are looking up at how tall it is. Of course it’s easier to see it if you’re lying on your back but someone, whose name I won’t mention (Lynn) thinks it’s un-cool. But I will keep with my instincts and conduct my interview from this position.
“Excuse me Sir! Yes that is my hand you’re stepping on. Say while you’re just standing there would you mind answering a few questions? I will take rolling eyes as a yes.
“Let me introduce myself my name is…”
“Yeah I know who you are. You’re that reporter from San Francisco.”
“Ah so my reputation has preceded me!”
“Yeah ah whatever. So you don’t mind me standing on your hand?
“No it’s numb now. What brought you down here today to “The Arch”
“The Bus.”
No I mean why did you come here today?”
“It’s Thursday.”
“And Thursday is important because..?”
“Because I always come to “The Arch” on Thursday.”
“Excuse me but is that a knife you just pulled out of your pocket?”
“No it’s a letter opener I received for a 5 year safety award. Now hand me your wallet.”
Lynn here. Ace is sort of occupied at the moment but I’m sure he would want me to say he’s glad to be back…..so what do you mean you want my purse. I’ll give you my purse all right across your fat head…yeah you better run!
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Boiled Peanuts don't belong on a road trip!
Posted On 2009-04-01 , 10:42 AM
Ace Essay here reporting semi live from Baton Rouge La... I had a hankering for crawdads,  gumbo and sweet tea. You’re probably wondering why I would travel all the way here just to eat. Well I didn’t. I’m on assignment and as usual I sacrifice for you my adoring public.
My task is to begin another series of articles on Midlife folks partaking in adventure vacations. Why because as you know we reach midlife and go nuts. The highlight of most folks is to come home from work plop down in the old leather chair and ottoman grab the remote and vegetate (What? Oh! Sure ok.) You-know-who has informed me that I’m describing the typical male. If that is true (which I doubt) how would I have known as I am not a typical male! Ah! Lynn agrees with me, about time.
Let’s talk and you need to excuse me as I am in the middle of sucking on these crawdads and I sometimes get distracted. By the way have you ever eaten boiled peanuts? They look and feel like slimy grubs and they do instill a reflex action once they enter your mouth. I suggest that you all try some, talk about an adventure.
Ok your old life has passed you by. What do you have left to lose (except weight, hair, teeth and fashion sense)? Now is the time to do something exciting…it’s called living.
An adventure vacation is as simple as filling the car with gas pack a small ice chest with food lock the house and just drive away. Where would you go? That my friends can be part of the adventure, just keep driving until you find a place you like, spend the night, walk around, see some sights and drive home.
Remember you’re an adult (at least biologically) who do you have to answer too? Grab an inexpensive flight join me for lunch, these boiled peanuts aren’t bad once you get passed the gagging.
This is Ace Essay signing out for now (going into the back country looking for some gators) at least that is what my guides with the banjos say.
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Sometimes it's better to run naked
Posted On 2009-03-30 , 7:37 PM
Ace Essay here reporting semi live from the track at Royal H.S. located in Ventura County Calif. …I’m here in my stylish  running apparel (which I didn’t pay for because when your famous…well you get perks) to demonstrate that (What? Oh! Sure ok.) Lynn wants me to tell you that I got this running apparel from my Cousin Lenny’s store (but I am famous and I might add good looking… just don’t let Lynn hear us talking about that last part…envy you know)
People in Midlife for the most part have no fashion sense especially when they are working out. I on the other hand have impeccable taste in running apparel as you can see (What? Oh! Sure ok.) Ah it would seem that you can’t see me…sad actually.
So what puts style in fashion? Well it isn’t those baggy pants you wear that you have to keep pulling up, unless you’re for the gangster look. Which begs the question, why would you want your pants falling off when the police are chasing you? But I digress.
Running apparel is designed for comfort it doesn’t bind and it breathes. Now some Midlife folks wouldn’t think about color coordinating their ensemble (that’s fashion talk) with their jogging/running shoes. You wouldn’t believe how many fashion disasters I have witnessed today alone. This must be the place where the not so suave meet to workout. Approaching me is a rather large Midlife female who has been lumbering (What? Oh! Sure ok.) It has been brought to my attention that the descriptive word lumbering is not politically correct. Therefore I have been asked to apologize to overweight people…Ouch! What was that for??
Anyway I shall join the before mentioned female and interview her.
Excuse me young lady (they like to hear that) I’m..
Yes I know you’re that Pee Wee guy.
No……I’m Ace Essay famous reporter
Ok whatever.
I noticed that you are working out.
Aren’t you the observant one? Puff, puff huff
I noticed that your running apparel is somewhat mismatched.
Are you the fashion police?
No I was just wondering why you are wearing a gray sweat shirt that is easily two sizes too small, black shorts that quite frankly are screaming in torture and those shoes that a farmer wouldn’t wear.
REALLY!! You little #@&*#
PUFF PUFF HUFF PUFF this is HUFF Ace PUFF Essay PUFF signing out HUFF for now! HUFF PUFF (I thought she would have huff puff puff quit chasing me after the third mile)
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Real Men Love Affair!
Posted On 2009-03-21 , 12:03 PM
Ace Essay here reporting semi live from the back seat of a 58’ Pontiac Chieftain remembering the good old days when cars  were cars and driving historic Route 66 was definitely a trip.
It’s great to have both feet on firm ground once again (if that’s possible in Sunny Southern California). I decided that today I would just relax and talk about that which is most on men’s minds. It’s a lot easier because my associate Lynn is out shopping (typical). It has been said that men think about this subject 57 times a day. They think about it when they are in the shower, eating, sleeping and you can always catch them glancing back checking it out no matter who’s watching. I haven’t found anyone who doesn’t remember their first. Do you remember what it was like? How can you forget? Yeah we can’t wait to get into one, the smell the feel the anticipation... yup men and their love affair with cars.
I remember my first. It was a lot like this one a 1958 Pontiac Chieftain, 390 cubic inches of power, chrome reverse wheels with baby moons…and it could fly…sweet. I must have put 5 coats of wax on that car when I first bought it. When it rained the drops ricocheted off faster then bullets. Living in California I used to cruise Van Nuys Boulevard with the windows down and the four track blasting. Makes me smile just thinking about it and don’t forget stopping at Bob’s Big Boy Hamburgers for a burger shake and fries.
Back then we would cruise down to the beach, heck you could drive on it, watch the sunset with your date and enjoy the evening. But I digress from my topic which is cars. What is up with auto makers today? No longer do we have rolling works of art on the highway, unless you count the throw back models we get every now and then. It seems that the designers today have about as much creativity as vanilla ice-cream. Of course it could be the Government demands on the auto makers that have now made owning a Ford Pinto a status symbol.
Oh nuts here comes Lynn with bags and bags so I should wrap this up. If you want to relive your love affair with cars let me recommend Hot August Nights in Reno/Sparks Nevada this year. More cars and memories then you can shake a stick at. This is Ace Essay signing out for now.
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